Suicide Sounds Really Nice Right Now

I'll never forgive myself
For what I'm about to do
But for me regret's not a dusty shelf
I don't want to hurt you

Just know that if you cry
My eyes will be tearing up too
Your pain makes me want to die
I hate that I love you

I'm only doing what I have to
But my actions come from me alone
I'm hurting myself so much too
Without you life's an empty drone

But still I can't put you
In the postion that you're in
I know that you really love me too
But you can move on and join that distant din

Of life that goes on outside of me
I was just a dream
You have a chance to live truly
Though my heart's ripping at the seams

At least pretend to think
That you didn't feel this way
My life is going down the sink
Yours is just getting underway

You've got to move on from me
Your pain will ease
If you just let things be
Just forget me, please?

It would be easier for me too
If I totally forgot
All about me and you
Is that possible though, I think not

And maybe it'll be easier for you
If I abolish one last thing also
You can move on and live your life too
Why I killed myself no one else will ever know

-Alisha

What Do You Do When You're Not Sure If Your Next Move Might Make You Commit Suicide

Hey there people of the blogging persuasion! My pants are amazing! I wore my hippie pants to school today and people signed them with sharpies. I'm pretty sure I have like, fifty peace signs on them.X D Pretty hilarious. And also, my parents finally know that I am a vegitard! And I'm surprised by how supportive they were. My dad was just like,"I think it's great-I just don't think that you can do it." But my mom went out and bought me a bunch of soy stuff, vegetables, and nuts to keep up my protein. Oh and protein rich yogurt too. Yummo! And also this means I can eat ALL THE PEANUT BUTTER I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah. I'm really hungry right now, but I don't know what to eat. If anyone really knows me, they know that I hardly ever eat meals, I just eat a bunch of hodge podge crap. But now adays I've been eating alot helathier, which is a good thing. From what I ate before I should be a whale by now(haha). But yeah, it's pretty great. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Do you ever have things that you just want to scream about? I sure do. It sucks, especially when you don't really know how to get it off your chest either. The only way I can really do that know adays is through poetry(Which people are getting better at deciphering)and Treacheries(Which everyone scours through to figure out it one is about them). So yeah, I'm going to do a Treachery right now.

1. Thanks for supporting me. It's really nice that you can do that for me, it's just lately you've really figured out how to hit my last nerve. It's pissing me off.

2. Thanks for supporting me too. You're great and I really appreciate it. Sorry if I start boring you with my endless problems though....

3. God, I just want to slap you sometimes. You are so insensitive. You act like you're my best friend and you understand me and you act like the nicest guy in the world, and then when you get around the guys YOU have said to me are such assholes and that I should just ignore the things they say, when YOU get around them YOU act just like THEM!! I put up with it for way too long and you wonder why I told you just to stop talking to me and leave me alone!

4. I feel sorry for you sometimes. You can be a real creep sometimes, but you really are a nice guy. I just realized this is directed at two people. Well, you guys are nice guys and I feel bad for you because people are so mean to you. We have a-ahem, not so nice past, but I'm one of the few people actually nice to you. It's nice to know that you guys realize that and I'm glad that I can help make your miserable lives a little better.: ) I'm here for you guys!

5. I just want to scream at you right now! I'm so frustrated with you! Today I was literally fuming I was so frustrated! It's just getting on my nerves now, and I don't want to be nagging or whatever, but just, come on! See reason already!

6. Seriously, just stop! I am serious when I get up and scream at you! By who knows or cares reasons, my body is covered in bruises. Not entirely sure where they came from, but they cover my entire body! I'm sore day in and day out and I just don't want people poking me and making them worse. So just STOP poking me! I've told you so many times, it stopped being funny about the second time you did it. JUST STOP!

7. I really like you, it just gets hard sometimes. You really make it difficult for me. I don't think you really understand that though, so it's not really your fault. I try so hard not to do something that will make it harder for you or do anything that you won't like. Purely out of the goodness of my heart. We're friends, and friends make sacrifices for friends. But then you kind of either push me away or mention things that I'm doing wrong. It's exhausting.

8. I just want to know if I'm doing something wrong. What do you want me to do, I'll do anything.

9. Just so you know, I know that you didn't believe me for awhile. I know that. Just lettin you know....

10. I'm not paying attention to the obvious fact that you've told yet another person, mainly because I'm hoping to whatever anyone can possibly hope to that it'll just blow over. Shit man, you don't even know how bad things can get for you. You just wait til things start gettin way too hard for me and people start seeing my scary side. You'll be shittin your pants hoping I ain't comin for you boy. Which I'm not, but just trust me here, things won't be pretty if you tell the wrong person.

Oklie doklie, some afterthoughts. I haven't done this before. I guess it's just a message to some of the people I wrote these too.
3. I'm not kidding. I never want to talk to you again.

4. YOu guys just gotta be yourselves and try to find people you fit in with. Just keep trying.:J

5. I hate being mad at you, I really do.

7. You're awesome, I really like you as a friend. Really I do. I'm trying to be patient.

8. I'm sorry. I hate to do it, but I really have to. We can talk afterwards, but if I don't do it right I'll never be able to.

9. Not gonna tell you to your face though.

10. I'm not joking around here, you better not be either.

Okay, my life officially sucks. Today might possible be the worst night of my life, ahead of the previous worst day of my life which happens to be less than a month ago. Can't elaborate.: ( It sucks is all I can say.

-Alisha

Change the World

So in this world you want to make some change
Go for it I say
But there will be people who call you deranged
But you don't have to do things their way

Rebel against the man
Who's main goal in life is to opress
Together we'll make a stand
We'll clean up all this mess

Do all that you want to do
Let nothing stand in your way
If not you, then who
Will put the world's terrors at bay?

So burn the burnable things
And create what should be created
Fly away on peace's wings
Nothing deserves to be hated

Help people discover the truth
Help them discover themselves
Raise nonconformity to the roof
Inside of yourself you musn't delve

Give the world a chance
To show you how great it is
Do a happy dance
Remember the man, the world isn't his

Take the bull by the horns
And challenge the things in life
To conformity you are not sworn
Eliminate the world of strife!!!

- Alisha

Lost In A Hardly Requited Love

Who's that girl over there
The one who's smiling
She has the sun in her hair
But she looks like she's really trying
To keep that smile on her face
She seems pretty sad inside
Most are off base
About her bubbly personality, she just wants to hide

In the layers of baggy sweatshirt
She hides to cover up
The way she hurts
The water is half empty in her life's cup
The tears don't ever come
They pool behind swollen eyes
She feels so dumb
But oh,how she tries

People just ignore
The way she's losing it
The way she crumbles when he walks through the door
The way she was bit
With loves sharp bite
And she hates the way
She's a sad sight
Giving her last effort to someone who doesn't stay

She gives much more than she gets
She feels lost and confused
She's treated like she's a pet
Her dignity is black and bruised
She should tell him she's done
But she's in too far
She's in love with the sun
Something she can't quite reach, a distant star

- Alisha

Tradgedy

Something awful just happened to me. And unless you know me and know how important this is to me, you wouldn't understand. I'll sound like one of those girls that start crying when they chip a nail. But that's not how I am. This is just extrememly devastating for me- my necklace broke. It's my necklace that I never, ever take off. It has the drama symbol on it and it's like a good luck charm for me. I feel naked without it. It's made of pure gold, so I don't take it off when I sleep or shower. And I was just sitting here writing an email to my friend and it just fell off. I figure the clasp had been on funny( I adjust the clasp everyday), so I picked it up to put in on again and I noticed that the chain had broke. This is like a sign of ill fortune for me. The only times I've taken that necklace off in who knows how long was when I was at YIG at the Governor's Ball and it looked really bad with my dress, and one day when I was extremely depressed and my necklace only reminded me off why I was so depressed. ONLY TIMES! I, being a very superstitios person, could not have a worse thing happen to me luck wise. This sucks!!!!!!!! I just felt like I needed to tell someone( I'm at my cabin all by myself and none of my friends are online anymore)so I decided to blog about it. I'm going to post a poem I just wrote in a minute. Not really sure where this one came from, because it isn't really personal to me at all. I write poems like that on occasion.

- Alisha

Hey There

I seriously wrote a really long blog just a little bit ago and then my computer was a bitch and decided it was messed up and closed the window and I threw a fit. This one's not even going to be half as good.: ( Oh well. I love my blog title. I changed it. Isn't it pretty amazing? It's cause my friend Landis and I have been called hippie whores before. Hee hee. It doesn't bother me. What people say about you shouldn't matter. I'm listening to Rent right now. I'm obsessed with Rent and Wicked right now. They're AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah. I told my friend Jostyn that I was obsessed with them and he was like," Oh thank God! My life is complete now!" It was pretty funny. I thought about it, and the role of Maureen in Rent is like, the perfect role for me. As an actress, I'm better at more ecstatic characters. Maureen is pretty out there.X D I'm going crazy right now! I'm waiting for someone to email me cause I really, REALLY need to talk to them about something, but they haven't been on all night. I know that they were on a little while ago, but I don't know if they checked their email. If they did I'm being totally ignored and I do not like that! ARGH! I am a frustrated cookie! Oh well, it's not the worst thing that could happen. And you've got to deal with what life gives you. I've decided that I tbe;oeve om fate, but most things in life are up to you to decide for. That was a big thing for me. I was havng trouble deciding whether or not I believed in God and what I believed in period. Then I just took some time to think it through and I decided what I believed. It's nice knowing.: ) I just hope that when I'm open with my parents about my new religion and me being a vegetarian they will except me. I'm already Buddhist and a vegetarian, I just haven't really told them yet. And they haven't realized it. It's kind of funny when you think about it, but it's not great being in my position. Oh well, I think I'll try to break it to them slowly. Like make little hints and then kind of work it up into the fact that I converted- I just won't tell them when. Same thing with being vegetarian. It's just my dad really hates vegetarians. He made fun of my friends when I said they were vegetarians. I hated that, cause that's when I was first starting out. He'll also really hate me being Buddhist. One time a few years ago he was talking to me and he said," I know that we don't go to church very often, but you need to believe in God..." and so on. It's making me feel like if I want to be who I am I have to make my parents hate me. But still, what can they really do? They can't MAKE me be any religion, and they can't FORCE me to eat meat. They can punish me, but maybe this is my chance to show them that I fight for the things that I love and believe in. They don't know that about me yet. That's kind of sad. My parents don't really know the real me, and I don't know whether it's their fault or mine. I'm so tired! I barely sleep anymore. MAYBE an hour and a half a night if I'm lucky. On the weekends I totally pass out. I sleep for like forever. Just go to sleep, right? Well, I just don't feel tired most of the time( I am right now though) and also I have these awful nightmares when I actually do sleep. Not fun. I have to go now, but I might write more later. Tata!
- Alisha

Masochistic Me

It's so late in the night, almost quarter to four
I've seen this hour several times before
I can never ever get to sleep
I'm just in way too deep

My eyes cry tears I didn't know I had
And still I kind of like feeling so bad
I can let out my emotions deep inside
The way normal people feel, I just can't abide

To survive I need extreme feelings
That's why I lay there staring at the ceiling
Depressing music plays in my head
My body is simply dead

I'm a sadistic little bitch
Like having that spot you just can't itch
I crave the things that hurt me most
Depression, heartbreak; things that none would ever boast

Why is my life such a tangled mess?
There's never that perfect little black dress
The sun's never out
And I cannot shout

The day's are short, the night is long
And I'm not looking quite as strong
But I don't mind at all
Because my problems are growing tall

And no matter how long I cry
I know that it will not make me die
Because I like the pain that I feel
Feelings I do not have to steal

There are things I do to make me hurt
Scars hide beneath my shirt
They hold together my broken heart
And it's broken because of me, because I am not smart

I scare those I love the most
Searching out pain from coast to coast
The druggies have got it easy, the alcholics too
They're not a sadisholic shrew

-alisha 2/15/08

I Love You

Before you came along
Things were getting bad
Night was getting darker
Love I'd never had

But when I fell in love with you
The sun came out again
The flowers started blooming
I was happier than I had been

I'm head over heels now
I'll admit it's true
But to make me stop loving
There's nothing you can do

When I look up to see you
A smile comes on my face
Even when I'm mad at you
My anger goes to waste

You make me weak in the knees
My breath just goes away
And I simply love how
You make everything okay

And as I write this now
My heart beats in my chest
Of all the poems I have written
This one for you's the best

My love will never die
It will never be less
I give you my heart
It beats for you til my death

Life is getting wonderful
Now I'm not so blue
The best thing I have ever heard
Was " I love you too"

I can't express my love enough
In any single way
Just know I'm giving all of it
That is here to stay

So next time that I see you
I'll say " I love you"
And you will know inside your heart
That my love is true

-alisha 2/14/08

I Wish It Would End

Awake in the middle of the night
I can't sleep
Thinking about our fight
Haven't slept in days

I just can't seem to eat
A headache's throbbing in my head
Unsteady on my feet
Dizziness fogs my mind

I cannot eat or sleep
My body's shutting down
I'm crumpling in a heap
People notice, they're scared

My hand shakes as I write
I'm scared too
I wish you would hold me tight
And tell me it will be okay

I wish it would end
This soul burning pain
My insides twist and bend
It's too late, I'm gone, I'm dead

-alisha 2/6/08

Broken Beyond Repair

Tissues in my hand
Wiping at my tears
I feel so alone
Nobody hears

Crying, crying
The tissues can't stop the flow
I can't handle the pain
Tearing at my soul

You look at me
I look at you
I look away
I can't look at you

You don't know how I feel
If would hurt you if you did
I feel trapped in a nightmare
When will I wake up?

Help me! Help me!
I'm falling! I'm dead!
My heart isn't beating
It's broken beyond repair

-alisha 2/6/08

All You Need Is Love

All you need is love
Is what the Beatles said
I don't need you love
So said my head

All you need is love
Is what the Beatles said
I don't want you love
Is what my conscience said

All you need is love
Is what the Beatles said
I really want your love
Is what my soul said

But my heart, I had hidden it's voice
It needs your love
And no matter what everyone says
All you need is love

-alisha 2/6/08

What You've Done To Me

What is this pain?
I think I'm dying
I've never felt this before
It's my heart, I think it's broke

Why did this happen?
I'm pretty sure I know why
You did this to me
Woul it hurt you to know that?

The tears pour down my cheeks
I hide them from you
I don't want you to see
What you've done to me

You will soon see
No matter how I try to hide it
How the tears stain my face
And how I no longer smile

And you will know
That it is
Because of
What you've done to me

-alisha 2/5/08

Red and Blue

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You love me
And I love you too

Roses are red
Violets are blue
My love is dying
How about you?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I broke my heart
And you broke it too

Roses are red
Violets are blue
How could you hurt me?
I thought our love was true

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I hate love
And I also hate you

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You don't know that I know
Not yet, that's true

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I hate love
But I don't really hate you

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Love dies
And I want to die too

-alisha 2/5/08

Love Breaks Your Heart, You Should've Known It Would

When your world is crashing down on you
And you're feeling all alone
You don't know what to do
Pain replaces thoughts

Your heart is quickly breaking
You nedd to think clearly
But your mind is just aching
Tears touch your eyes

You really just need to cry
But you keep a smile on your face
You think you're going to die
No one sees inside

No longer are your poem endings happy
No longer are they good
The time to mend your heart won't be snappy
You were in love

Love isn't great
Love isn't good
It leaves you with heartache
You should've known it would

How could you have been such a fool?
You fell so hard it hurt
Love isn't for you
You'll never love again

What do you do when you don't have a soulmate
You aren't human, no one likes you
It makes you fill with hate
But the love stays too

Love breaks your heart
You should've known it would
You were not smart
But you can't stop loving him even though you should

-alisha 2/5/08

Buncha Poems

Hey everyone! As you already know, I write poems. Well, I've written A TON that I haven't published on here yet, so I'm about to do that. I've had some pretty strong emotions lately, which you should be able to tell from my poems. So yeah, they should be appearing in a short time.
-alisha