My Treachery of Truth

1)I'm drained. I don't feel like I have any energy left what so ever. The physical energy I put in every day is sapping me and then I can't sleep at night and I never really feel much like eating. My mind is driving me crazy andn I just want to be alone all the time. lI'm going to crash soon, and it isn't going to be good.

2)If you feel like you have to pity me, then please do it in private. Because I feel pitiful enough as it is and i don't need your constant reminder with your sad faces and half smiles. I get it, okay? Obviously something's wrong with me, and obviously I realize it. I realize that I'm the single girl who loves a guy that lives too far away and who isn't treating her well. I realize that I'm the girl who looks like she'll never be lucky in a relationship again. I realize that I have dark shadows under my eyes and that I have a distant look in my eye. I realize that I'm starting to lose it again. And I realize that I'm pulling away from everyone. I realize that all I want is to be alone.

3)I know that you're concerned about me. I'm concerned about me too. To be honest I'm scared shitless. I'm sorry that I've done this to you, scaring you like this. We both are scared.=(

4)It's not because of you. I think that you were delaying me from becoming like this, but once you were out of the picture I didn't have anything to distract myself with anymore. so no, it is not because of you. YOu were just delaying it for awhile

5)Have you ever taken a questionaire to find out if you're so and so way before and you've kind of dramtisized(If that's a word)? Well, I was dramtizing. It's a definite answer. It's unfortunately so, I'm afraid. And no I'm not talking about pregnancy tests!

6)Thankyou for being there. Even though you're in a similar boat that I'm in, it feels nice to have someone spiraling downward right next to me.

7)I know that you'll feel bad that I'm going downward and you can't help me. Don't worry about it. Focus on yourself. Not me. Haven't I always managed to get out of my dark holes before, at least for a short time anyways? I'm going to get help this time, not wait until help finds me.

8)You won't understand. You'll think that you understand, but deep down inside you'll be confused and refuse to accept it. I know you too well to think that you could possibly understand this. It's a good thing though, it means that you have to much goodness in your heart. I suppose though that it isn't my fault that I have so much darkness inside.

9)I know that if I tell you that you'll run off and tell a dean or something because you won't want me to be fucked up. It's not your fault, it's just your nature, but maybe you should learn to accept that some people know how to get help themselves in a better way for them.

10)I wish that you would just leave me alone. It's too hard somtimes. It isn't fair what you do to me. You don't do it to other people, why should you single me out. But I know that you'll probably never stop.