A Treachery

1) Yes, I'm very annoyed with you. You're just as bad as the rest of them. I know you've been through rough times, but now you've become just like them. It's despicable.

2) If I could change the way things went between us, I'm not sure what I would do. Things between you and I were foreign and new, but it felt so right. Yet I don't know now if it was the beginning steps to my downhill descent, or if it was just delaying it. Was it a good thing for me, or did it just make things worse now? Why are things suddenly so different and odd? I'm messed up and I don't know if you know it or not. I wish that I could feel like SOMEONE cared about me, even though I know that people do, I just don't feel it. I'm not sure if you care about me anymore. It doesn't feel like it. It makes me so sad because I cared so much about you and I still do, even if it is in a different way. I care so much that I hurts that I never feel like you care back.

3) Every once in awhile I feel like telling you everything and having you tell me everything's okay, but I always end up deciding against it at the last moment. I think that I'll regret it.

4) I could really use you right now, and even though you really are so near by, there's no way for me to reach you.

5) I try to forget about my severe annoyances with you and nearly always work until it comes and bites me again in the butt. It's so annoying.

6) I'm used to having some one among my friends knowing something that's bugging me. In fact I think that I really usually have no secrets, it's just I don't put all my eggs into one basket so it doesn't feel as though I divulge everything. Now I have this problem that I'm still trying to ignore and still I haven't told a single person. It's new for me. And this is something huge.

7) I'm sorry I usually have such a short temper with you because I know that you have problems too. It's just that you take everything out on me and I have to sit here and deal with it that it makes me feel better to have even my small pitiful rebellion.

8) There are times in my past that stand out as clear, vivid moments when some of my innocence has been stolen from me. All those moments are memorable to me. They come at the strangest of times, but occasionally it's something that makes sense as to why a part of me was ripped away. One of those such times was because of you and I can never forgive you for that. It is something that is completely unforgivable and it hurt me that you said that. In that brief moment several things were running through my head. The main points were: that the hatred coursing through my veins was so tinged with hurt that I wouldn't have been surprised if my blood turned poisonous and black; that you had robbed me of part of the last part of my innocence; that I could never forgive you for that; and that I knew I wasn't going to cry for a long time. I know some people who go ages without crying, and that's just their nature. I know other people who cry frequently and that helps them relieve themselves of grievances. I used to be of the later group, but I haven't cried in over five weeks.

9) I was mad at you for awhile and I still won't pass up a chance to call you an asshole, but now I realize that I feel sorry for you. They used to make fun of you and I was there and told you that they were jerks and that they made fun of me all the time too but it didn't bother me because they didn't matter. You agreed with me and we helped each other. Then they focused on me and you forgot every nice thing that I had ever done for you and you proceeded to try to hurt me like they do. That was harsh. But I feel sorry for you that you try so hard to not be the point of ther focus, when they could turn on you in a second.

10) You're the real reason I stopped truly trusting most people. I'm really dissapointed in you.

- Alisha