Everything feels so fucked up lately. I can't stand to be around my friends because they're constantly getting on my nerves, and I really enjoy it when I get to be alone. But when I'm online and stuff I feel almost desperate to talk to someone and then I just feel plain stupid. I feel like my whole life I've just let people walk all over me. I tell myself that I'm not a push over anymore and that I've toughened up . But the truth is that I just let people walk on top of me in a different way. Before I'd do anything anyone told me to do because I was gullible, naïve, trusting,, and wanted so badly to be liked, I was so sensitive that I would cry if someone said I was stupid. It was dumb. So then I learned to toughen up and I thought that I had stopped letting people walk over me too, but I hadn't. I let people say and do things to me that I don't deserve and I turn a blind eye because I don't want to believe that these people that I think are my friends are really so mean to me. I don't do anything until it becomes so obvious that I'm being thrown under the bus that I can't not say something. And then when I realize unpleasant things about myself I cling to the things that distract me, which happens to be my friends. But then it becomes to apparent in my mind that I have these flaws and problems and I pull away from everyone and everything I enjoy and sink into a depression. Then, I fight it and sometimes it just ends up taking me deeper and sometimes I manage to fight it off and escape it's clutches- mostly. But by that point I've been so sunk into myself and my own unhappiness that I can't get into the funk of being with my friends again and instead I get irritable and grouchy all the time because I find them so annoying and obsessed with such petty things. Then I need something to cling onto to get away from the depression and I find things that I enjoy and make myself live and breathe it to get away. And I'm so sick of acting like everything's okay when it's not and I'm so sick of everyone being so upset and yet obsessed with all their petty little things. There's bigger things out there. Everyone has ways of dealing with their problems, and sometimes those problems are bigger than others. In my case, I make things bigger than they need to be so I can make things feel real and not feel the numbness I always feel. I cling onto things that feel real and that I love until they're gone and then I fall to pieces. And I don't want to rely on other people. I want to be able to deal with things healthily and on my own, but most of all I don't want to have the problems that I do. And what I hate most of all is when people try to help me when I don't want them to. That makes things worse. But I feel all the more worse about things when I secretly want people to help me because I want to feel like I'm cared for. So I just want everyone to leave me alone and let me deal with things on my own because I don't want people to be in my life. Which sounds really awful. But it's true. I'm best left on my own, even though I feel so lonely everyday, and everyday it's a struggle for me to make myself wake up because I don't want to have to deal with things. All in all I have a tangle mess of a life and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
-Alisha
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