A Treachery

1) Yes, I'm very annoyed with you. You're just as bad as the rest of them. I know you've been through rough times, but now you've become just like them. It's despicable.

2) If I could change the way things went between us, I'm not sure what I would do. Things between you and I were foreign and new, but it felt so right. Yet I don't know now if it was the beginning steps to my downhill descent, or if it was just delaying it. Was it a good thing for me, or did it just make things worse now? Why are things suddenly so different and odd? I'm messed up and I don't know if you know it or not. I wish that I could feel like SOMEONE cared about me, even though I know that people do, I just don't feel it. I'm not sure if you care about me anymore. It doesn't feel like it. It makes me so sad because I cared so much about you and I still do, even if it is in a different way. I care so much that I hurts that I never feel like you care back.

3) Every once in awhile I feel like telling you everything and having you tell me everything's okay, but I always end up deciding against it at the last moment. I think that I'll regret it.

4) I could really use you right now, and even though you really are so near by, there's no way for me to reach you.

5) I try to forget about my severe annoyances with you and nearly always work until it comes and bites me again in the butt. It's so annoying.

6) I'm used to having some one among my friends knowing something that's bugging me. In fact I think that I really usually have no secrets, it's just I don't put all my eggs into one basket so it doesn't feel as though I divulge everything. Now I have this problem that I'm still trying to ignore and still I haven't told a single person. It's new for me. And this is something huge.

7) I'm sorry I usually have such a short temper with you because I know that you have problems too. It's just that you take everything out on me and I have to sit here and deal with it that it makes me feel better to have even my small pitiful rebellion.

8) There are times in my past that stand out as clear, vivid moments when some of my innocence has been stolen from me. All those moments are memorable to me. They come at the strangest of times, but occasionally it's something that makes sense as to why a part of me was ripped away. One of those such times was because of you and I can never forgive you for that. It is something that is completely unforgivable and it hurt me that you said that. In that brief moment several things were running through my head. The main points were: that the hatred coursing through my veins was so tinged with hurt that I wouldn't have been surprised if my blood turned poisonous and black; that you had robbed me of part of the last part of my innocence; that I could never forgive you for that; and that I knew I wasn't going to cry for a long time. I know some people who go ages without crying, and that's just their nature. I know other people who cry frequently and that helps them relieve themselves of grievances. I used to be of the later group, but I haven't cried in over five weeks.

9) I was mad at you for awhile and I still won't pass up a chance to call you an asshole, but now I realize that I feel sorry for you. They used to make fun of you and I was there and told you that they were jerks and that they made fun of me all the time too but it didn't bother me because they didn't matter. You agreed with me and we helped each other. Then they focused on me and you forgot every nice thing that I had ever done for you and you proceeded to try to hurt me like they do. That was harsh. But I feel sorry for you that you try so hard to not be the point of ther focus, when they could turn on you in a second.

10) You're the real reason I stopped truly trusting most people. I'm really dissapointed in you.

- Alisha

A Nice Warm Shot Gun or a Poisoned Bottle of Bourbon

Everything feels so fucked up lately. I can't stand to be around my friends because they're constantly getting on my nerves, and I really enjoy it when I get to be alone. But when I'm online and stuff I feel almost desperate to talk to someone and then I just feel plain stupid. I feel like my whole life I've just let people walk all over me. I tell myself that I'm not a push over anymore and that I've toughened up . But the truth is that I just let people walk on top of me in a different way. Before I'd do anything anyone told me to do because I was gullible, naïve, trusting,, and wanted so badly to be liked, I was so sensitive that I would cry if someone said I was stupid. It was dumb. So then I learned to toughen up and I thought that I had stopped letting people walk over me too, but I hadn't. I let people say and do things to me that I don't deserve and I turn a blind eye because I don't want to believe that these people that I think are my friends are really so mean to me. I don't do anything until it becomes so obvious that I'm being thrown under the bus that I can't not say something. And then when I realize unpleasant things about myself I cling to the things that distract me, which happens to be my friends. But then it becomes to apparent in my mind that I have these flaws and problems and I pull away from everyone and everything I enjoy and sink into a depression. Then, I fight it and sometimes it just ends up taking me deeper and sometimes I manage to fight it off and escape it's clutches- mostly. But by that point I've been so sunk into myself and my own unhappiness that I can't get into the funk of being with my friends again and instead I get irritable and grouchy all the time because I find them so annoying and obsessed with such petty things. Then I need something to cling onto to get away from the depression and I find things that I enjoy and make myself live and breathe it to get away. And I'm so sick of acting like everything's okay when it's not and I'm so sick of everyone being so upset and yet obsessed with all their petty little things. There's bigger things out there. Everyone has ways of dealing with their problems, and sometimes those problems are bigger than others. In my case, I make things bigger than they need to be so I can make things feel real and not feel the numbness I always feel. I cling onto things that feel real and that I love until they're gone and then I fall to pieces. And I don't want to rely on other people. I want to be able to deal with things healthily and on my own, but most of all I don't want to have the problems that I do. And what I hate most of all is when people try to help me when I don't want them to. That makes things worse. But I feel all the more worse about things when I secretly want people to help me because I want to feel like I'm cared for. So I just want everyone to leave me alone and let me deal with things on my own because I don't want people to be in my life. Which sounds really awful. But it's true. I'm best left on my own, even though I feel so lonely everyday, and everyday it's a struggle for me to make myself wake up because I don't want to have to deal with things. All in all I have a tangle mess of a life and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

-Alisha

The Alisha's A Horror Picture Show

Okay.  I'm a freak and I know it.  Yes, I spent $50 of my mom's money on iTunes today.  She did say I could though, she just didn't know how crazy I would get.  She does owe me money for babysitting though, so it's okay.  It started with me getting Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End and The Series of Unfortunate Events.  Then I decided to get Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest too.  I already have the first one, so that's probably a good thing.xD Then I decided that I HAD to get Phantom of the Opera, so I did.  Then it took forever for those to download and I remembered a song I had told my mom I wanted, so I went back and downloaded Black Horse and a Cherry Tree by KT Tunstall.  Then I went to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show with my grandpa and he fell asleep while I fell in love with it.  Another musical for me to be in love with.  Now it consists of:

- Rent( the movie)

- Rent( the original broadway cast)

- Wicked

- Hair

- Phantom of the Opera

- The Rocky Horror Picture Show

- Moulin Rouge

- Across the Universe

Yeah, a lot for me.  A year ago it was only that I like The Wizard of Oz and Annie.  But going on.  So I finished watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show( RHPS) and I went onto iTunes and bought the original London cast because it had most of the same actors as the movie did.  And I memorized the Time Warp dance( Honestly it's not that hard to memorize) and I will perform it at school on Monday.  And I know that Halloween is MONTHS off from now, but I now know what I'm being for Halloween.  It's the character Magenta from RHPS.  It'll be amazing cause I already know exactly how I'm going to do my makeup and the fake eyelashes that I'm gonna need.  I even already have the dress.  There's just a couple of things that I actually need to get.  So it'll be pretty amazing.  Now I can't wait for Halloween.xD Haha, I'm special.  But yeah, if I think of more to say I'll write more later.  Bye!

- Alisha